Posted by: eileenandrory | August 10, 2009

My Colleague is fantastic.

Hi Everyone,

I have a colleague that has an amazing way with words, i have saved a bunch of his comments and will add them here for your reading pleasure. Names will be changed to protect the innocent, all resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely a coincidence etc…

Dear Rory
Would it not be easier to slow down the movement of our Sun and all other celestial bodies through the heavens, until such time as our timing control systems caught up?  Just a suggestion…
This was in response to a global email i sent regarding daylight saving.
That’ll be the ex-East German army surplus chemical calming agent I added to the system.  It’s been floating around the world on a boat for the last 18 years, so I got a stack of it for next to nothing.  They seemed almost relieved to be shot of it…
This was in response to some air conditioning complaints.
God almighty man, what were you thinking? Never, NEVER, point out contradictions made by a woman – and never bloody ever use something of her own as your argument! You’ve got one of your own, for God’s sake: have you learned nothing?
I can’t remember what this was about, but it is funny.
This highlights the dangers inherent in making assumptions, and in blindly reading through something without questioning what is being read, or reading over an unknown word or phrase.  Recommend to DAVE that he/she consults Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase & Fable.  It’s an excellent reference, and would almost certainly return the information that “drill” is currently used most frequently in the loose sense of ‘routine’ or ‘custom’, rather than in the exact sense of a particular event or formal process.
Sometimes it is funnier when taken out of context.
Technically, yes, but then every odour IS caused by one or more chemicals. Even the smell of ripe bananas is caused by a chemical – an esther, if I remember my 6th form chemistry – but if I rushed to the aid of an anonymous cleaner retching and fainting on the ground, to be told that he could smell “a very strong chemical”, I wouldn’t immediately suspect the bananas.

What exactly were we talking about?


Call out the fucking army. I saw these beasties, and immediately recognised them as the ‘wet paint flies’ that magically appear from nowhere to commit mass suicide on your otherwise flawless last coat of paint while you’re rushing late at night to finish a redecoration with all the windows wide open to assist drying.

Sometimes we have to deal with the most unusual of complaints.


And lastly in response to someone (who shall remain nameless) ‘editing’ a number of business cards:

SOMEONE has perpetrated an act of nothing less than domestic terrorism, right here in the sanctuary of our workplace.  One of my business cards has been defaced – no, sabotaged in a deliberate attempt to discredit me.  During a business meeting I almost handed this piece of slander to a contractor: I was so shocked I very nearly dropped it into my (complimentary) large flat white.
I feel violated, professionally.

I’m not pointing the finger at anyone, but you two bastards are the only ones receiving this email.  Exhibit A is reproduced below, in case you’ve forgotten.



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