Posted by: eileenandrory | May 24, 2011

Hearts and Things I was Meant to Do

So this week I was meant to find time to meditate.  I didn’t, there we are, I’ve addressed the elephant occupying the rather large space in this room.  I have however started to read “Hurry Up and Meditate” which I am pleased to report is quite good.

Why did I get distracted… well I found “Delusions of Gender” by Cordelia Fine just about jumping off the shelf into my library bag last week.  I blame someone whom I know and respect greatly for that wee incident.  I couldn’t resist Cordelia, that lovely wee book, the little doll on it winking so gorgeously at me.  But I digress, and trust me I will return to Cordelia Fine and her geniusness (is that a real word) at a later date.

What else distracted me?  Well thoughts about hearts.  More specifically how I choose to display my passion and what the sorts of pickles that I end up brewing in because of that.  Then, last night it came to me.

I wear my heart on my sleeve because it reminds me that being vulnerable is a strength.

I always have, and always will wear my heart on my sleeve.  It has been broken many, many times, it has been torn from my body, stamped on, spat on and generally ridiculed, and I can assure you that each time it happens the pain does not get any less.

So why do I do it?  Why do I put myself up to it, why do I let myself be hurt over and over again?

Because it also gives me the greatest strength.  I am open, I am honest, in all my contradictory hot-headed glory, what you see it was you get and I am passionate beyond reckoning.  I refuse to sit on the fence on anything, or at least if I am forced to, momentarily, it is because from there I can see both sides before I choose which one suits me.   I would rather ride the high horse, feel the power of that raw emotion beneath my legs, and yes, at times it is difficult to control, but boy oh boy those rides are powerful and fill me with passion and love beyond anything I experience.

With my heart on my sleeve I am open to growth, I am open to change, I am open for people to say “I don’t like the colour of your heart” – and they do.  This does not mean that I have to change, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I do.  Sometimes I like the colour of their heart, the vibrant hues, their peculiar beat and sometimes I fall into rhythm with theirs.  Sometimes I don’t.  But most of all I rejoice, for another human being has shown me their heart, has been brave enough to let me in, to allow me to see.  I can simply celebrate the uniqueness of their heart without losing my own.

I can see other people, and they can see me.  We start out honestly, we discover more about each other.  When people don’t show their hearts on their sleeves I wonder, what do they care about?  Is nothing so important to them that they do not celebrate their life, their passion?  What do they have to offer me, when I offer all in return?  Most of all I ache to show them the wonder of this sharing, to show them the immense power that comes with wearing your heart in this way.  Too many people shy away, afraid of what people could see of them if only they revealed their heart.  They are afraid of the pain, perhaps they are afraid of the growth, afraid of the change.  I don’t know because they won’t show me.  Sadly many tell me to put my heart away, to shut up, to be quiet, to close my heart, to close my mind.

It hurts.  I hurt for me, and I hurt for them.

What happens when I can share, when I meet another human being who chooses to wear their heart on their sleeves?  True magic, the magic born from knowing another person is passionate, the ability to see fireworks, wonder and opportunity in words and feelings.  Sometimes the colour of their heart is so different to mine that I stop and wonder, and marvel that two beings can come together and yet be so different, but they can.  I do not pretend that the colour of their heart is right for me, but my soul screams with joy that they are so open.

And it is through this openness that I gain my strength.

And so, I wear my heart on my sleeve because being vulnerable is my greatest strength.

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